Growing up in a religious environment and surrounded by many “christians” was the norm for me and this played a huge role in the direction I took as a person. Christianity to me was based on what was mostly seen on the outside rather than the inside. For many years I lived my life based on what people described to be the “perfect Christian”. This is not to say everyone made it seem this way but perhaps more of what I felt.
I was raised by my grandmother (the late MaMoyo). She was the pillar of strength and pretty much became my mother. My father and mother were heavily involved in ministry so much that I hardly spent time with them. So when I turned 14 and was going through puberty, my grandmother was the support system together with uSis’MaNcu who was the helper in the house. At that point, it was already difficult to talk or open up to my mother. At 16, I had my first crush and instantly became head over the moon with him. He had become my Prince Charming, my Hero and this was my fairy tale story. I dedicated all I was (well, just a form 4 girl with no money) to this relationship. I loved him with my heart so much that my brain no longer functioned, not even in school.
My grandmother began to pick all the signs. Yes, when I skipped meals because I was on the phone. My dressing and my behavior changed. My grandmother noticed the number of times I would get home late and not being able to give a clear answer to anything. She noticed the lies and excuses l made just to be away from home. Though grandmother noticed everything, my parents MISSED the signs and had no clue of what was happening. My Prince Charming had become my escape route. Why not? He was telling me all I needed to hear, he bought gifts and taught me a new kind of love, yes the “sheets love”. This was my ticket out and since my parents cared more about other people and children out there, I too needed attention and I found it.
Yes! Sadly I found it in a young boy who knew nothing about God. I found it in a boy who told me he would give me the world. I believed all that until he gave me his seed. I was two months late into my periods. Even prayer couldn’t make this one disappear. I remember running to “my man” the boy to tell him of this new beautiful thing growing inside of me and to what became my biggest disappointment, my man fled. It was as if someone had cut open my heart and continued to probe it with the sharp end of the knife. This was apocalypse and at its deadliest. I thought he loved me and he wanted me to prove to him all along that I loved him too. This would have been our chance to prove our love to everyone.
So there I was, the preacher’s daughter, pregnant and my Prince Charming suddenly unavailable. He was nowhere to be found after the news. Now I was back to that place again, alone. I soon realised that this world was harsh and cold and the world made sure that you don’t rise. I remembered how the number of young ladies who were shamed in front of the church. Instead of being restored they were condemned. I too began to feel the condemnation. How was I going to face my grandmother and my parents? I would have to stop pretending now, especially in church.
Single-handedly destroy their reputations
Eventually it dawned to me that I was a preacher’s child and for many years they had been trying to keep a clean and holy profile about themselves so much that I was expected to be holiest daughter. Don’t get me wrong, I never blamed them for this but now I suddenly realised I was about to single handedly destroy their reputations.
For another week, I cried alone and fell sick. This was so hard and new to me. I was going to be a mother and not finish school. To me, this would be the end of my independent life and all my dreams and goals. Yes, now I know it is not but at 16 and pregnant, this was the worst.
After the crying and debating, I spoke to my best friend, who knew someone that could help. I mean she was 16 as well and understood what I was fleeing so it only made sense then that I take advice from her and comfort. Her advice and my decision led to me meeting a “doctor” privately and that seed I once had, was no more. No more because the “doctor” dealt with it. Let alone l was ill for a week, l managed to hide the illnesses and the thought that I could have died. I was under the same roof as my parents and they never realised it all. How could this all happen under their nose and they just didn’t see it? Was it so obvious that my parents chose to concern themselves with other people and I came last in the chain? Is this what this religion was about?
Sadly I can never say our relationship was ever the same. I felt abandoned and so alone to fight this world. Except, God had placed my grandmother in the middle of it all. Through it all, I did not see her tears as she prayed for me and fought the spiritual world. She loved me unconditionally (not saying that my parents didn’t) but gogo stretched her hand out. I remember on her death bed 6 years later, she whispered to my ear “Forgive yourself and forgive the father of the baby. God just wants you to come as you are and He will always look out for you” I couldn’t believe it. How did she know? So all this time she knew and decided to love me and protect me. Whilst I was too concerned about my parents I forgot that God had placed her in my life. I could never express enough what it was like to feel loved by God at that moment.
So whether you are a preacher’s child or not, God will never leave nor forsake you and always has the best plans for you and your future.MT