Finding Yourself

To someone out there, a new window opens daily, to pick yourself up and run. To pick yourself up and go again. It doesn’t matter how stuck or hurt or broken you are, it may seem as if there no light at the end of the tunnel, but there is a visible place to step onto.

Someone once told me what centres me is faith.

I had been walking through a very rough patch and hearing those words made me question myself, my faith and my existence. You might be saying “What do you mean you questioned your existence?”.  The road I had travelled before were I am right now had weighed me down in every way you can ever imagine. Marriage failed twice, now a single parent of two amazing children, no job, nowhere to begin, no cent to my name, but I was at a place I knew I had to find myself and move on.

Hebrews 13:5 …I will never leave you nor forsake you.

I knew the above scripture very well.  However at that moment I felt alone and hopeless.  I know many of you may be able to relate to this emptiness. I write to encourage someone going through a similar challenge. We can only keep looking up to the hills from whence cometh our help. Our help comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth.  May I also say that at the point of my writing I am far from knowing how to centre myself in my faith or how to define myself.  But I have this assurance that I should let go and let God because He is more than enough for me.  Whatever I am going through, it is His job for the taking not mine. How do I let go? How do I find myself?

Come walk with me through my journey.   The journey of finding myself. I want to assure you that God is always leading the way. He moves every obstacle and paves the path you need to walk on to get to where he wants you and I to go.  Walk your journey without fear.

I was a bundle of bitterness, anger, pain, hopelessness

Let me take you through my journey from a seemingly awkward place.  A place where all seemed well on the outside.  I looked okay, yet I was a bundle of bitterness, anger, pain, hopelessness, the list goes on.  I was told that I was going through a mild mental disorder.  Instead of lashing out and feeling sorry for myself, l smiled and laughed when l heard the news.  Does this sound familiar?  Have you also received devastating news that left you speechless or dumb stricken?  It seemed as if everything around me had collapsed and nothing seemed to make sense.

Little did I know that my journey had started.

Fast forward to my story.

My husband left, and we were divorcing yet again.  At this point in time I had been married twice and divorced twice.  Lord why? The first  divorce was such huge challenge. People looked at me as if I was plagued.  Walking down the memory lane, l  remember an announcement for ladies to stay for a meeting after church.  I stayed but to my utter shock Mrs Davis, the elder’s wife said, “the single ladies this is not for you.”  This disturbed me greatly what was I?  Which category did I fall under now that I was divorced?  Those who are divorced are they not single? My heart was broken to say the least.  I needed to heal and be strengthened by fellow Christians.  Statements like “single mothers shouldn’t dress like this, they will take our husbands, or they should not come to our meetings” were being said loosely.

I had an extremely supportive family

I am glad about one thing though, I had an extremely supportive family. I would not have been able to get to the place where I am right now had it not been for their love and support.  I always believed that I was meant for greatness and having a support base was the best thing that ever had in my time of need.   It lifted me in many ways l had never thought of.  They made me strong and I managed to stand during my trying period.  However, even with all the support I still had to work the journey. I needed to do lots and lots of introspection.  I had to determine where I was in relation to my journey and spiritual walk.  l needed to find out how I got where I was and how to move forward?  Many thoughts clouded my head.

Nevertheless, l needed to go through process with immerse pain and sacrifice. I knew I had to pick myself up from the rubble.  I was left with nothing, nothing to start with or from.  GRACE knows me.  Somehow, I picked myself up, began a self -reforming process. I needed to feel loved, protected and desired.  I was at my most vulnerable point.   The second time of separation, rather separation after the first divorce. What am l on about? I was married to the same man twice. We married young and we married because l was pregnant.  I was bent on making it work although l felt it was a mistake.

I decided to give it another try

Because we were remedying, we were never went through premarital  counselling.  It was after 3 years that l agreed to give it another try. The voices of the masses in my ears, the voices of failure pushed me to respond to a call from a pastor who said to me I needed to go back and work things out.  So, it made sense because of pressure, and because of history.

We had gone through tough times together we were growing strong, but emotionally we were growing apart. How can two people be so close and yet so distant at the same time. At night I would cry myself to sleep, hoping the morning will bring goodness and yet nothing of that sort happened.

 

Pick yourself up and run.  

This was my relief, my me time.

I would wake up, put on my running shoes and go for a 10km jog. I began to eat well.  I started taking good care of myself more and  more.  Each day l became better it.  This made me look forward to the next day and the next day.

He decided to leave when we had moved to a foreign land.  Because of that, I decided to move to another country away from him.  I called it “my Canaan” because it felt as if I had been living in the desert all along.  On arrival in my Canaan, a door of opportunity opened for me.  I got a job although the salary was barely enough, it was a start.  I was living again. Three months down the line I got another job that quadrupled my salary.   My life was blossoming into beautiful flowers.  Wait a minute, the year went by, another and yet another and things were working out for my good.  Was it really happening?  Yes it was.

The scars are my ‘marks of greatness’

All that is remaining are the scars for my story telling’ “the marks of greatness”.  I have been given another opportunity, a new life and a chance to begin again.  He is a God of second chases.

To someone out there, everyday brings with it a window of opportunity.  If l managed to pick myself up and run you can do it too.  In fact you can even sprint if you dare believe in yourself. It doesn’t matter how stuck or hurt or broken you are, it may seem as if there no light at the end of the tunnel, but there is a visible place to step onto.  God is faithful to hold your hand, carry you until you begin to see that light, until you begin to regain strength to stand.

Stay focused on finding yourself

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